Saying “NO.”

The mood I’ve been in for the past couple of days is prompting this blog. 😀  Sooo, forgive me readers if you’re wanting an exciting, light and  fluffy blog. I’m just not feeling it  right now.

I feel as though I’m not myself today. “Hmm. Strange comment to make,” you think. Well, it would be a strange comment for me to make if I were someone else and not CT. But, I’m CT and I make comments like that several times a week.  Well…some weeks,  not all weeks. Today happens to be the tail end of  “one of those weeks.”

Anyway, I’m sitting here typing this out, scratching my body like mad crazy  since I’ve eaten something that has caused me to break out in itchy hives. Oh joy. Brings back memories of my first year in Korea when I’d eaten Lord knows what and nearly went into severe anaphylactic shock…only to call all 36 contacts I had in my phone at the time (including my boss) with no one answering and then running across a street to jump into a cab with my Lonely Plant phrase book…arriving at the hospital and being whisked into the main ER treatment room to a cot that had a privacy curtain around it, and two nurses running toward me with syringes and motioning me to pull my pants down so they could give me a shot in the bum. Ahhhh, good times.  Thankfully whatever the heck has caused my hives and smaller, red, bumpy rash on my torso isn’t too major and I can stay out of the hospital tonight.

The reason why I think sharing that info  is relevant to THIS  blog  is because lately  I’ve been drawn to eating a whole bunch of random crap that I haven’t touched in a loooong time. Comfort foods I might call them. And I feel that the reason I’ve been maxing out on my comfort foods for the past few days is because  I gave away my power recently. I realized that I was in a situation where I wanted to say “NO” but instead, I didn’t say anything at all.  😦    I froze into a statue (caught waaayyy off guard) and let others make a decision for me.

Even though I’ve lived and I’ve learned and I’ve made heaps of mistakes, I seem to still get caught re-enacting my favorite deleted scenes from the  past. Gee, I wonder why? I need to re-categorize all of those “deleted” scenes and put them into my movie so that I don’t flippin’ forget about them until I’m met once again by the same circumstances. Ahhhhh. My life is like walking on a tightrope: I never know when I’m gonna fall until I’m screaming in mid-air. See, for some reason I’m not aware of the moment I’ve lost my balance until after I’ve hit the safety net and am bouncing up and down. OK. I’ll nix the circus analogy. What I’m trying to convey in a ridiculous, roundabout way is that I am rarely aware that I’m in emotional/psychological danger until the proverbial shit has hit the proverbial fan. And now: a plate of cream pasta and a can of Pringles later…I realize:::!!!  I’m trying to console myself over feeling powerless and forced into something I didn’t want to do in the first place. =/   Afterall, it’s *my* damn choice to eat that stuff…right?      :S       eeerrrrr….sure.

So, since I gave away my power and didn’t say “NO” I feel I’ve been drawn to all of my comfort foods to well….uhhh…comfort myself. wha ha haaaaa. I’m such a psychotherapist , aren’t I? Or maybe I’m simply a psycho?  😉

I have food allergies. I was diagnosed back in 2008. $380 worth of tests and I have continued to ignore my doctor’s instructions on how to lead an allergy-free life.  I fail to acknowledge them so long as they don’t put me in anaphylactic shock or give me hives and itchy rashes. Well, I’ve got hives and one heck of an itchy rash going on right now. =/  Soooo, I *guess* I must look into all of the crap I’ve been ingesting for the past few days.  I think the culprit is either the spaghetti I ate for dinner last night (*der, I am allergic to wheat) or the peanut butter I’ve been globbing on pieces of bread (*ooh! double whammy!  peanuts and wheat) . Either way, Dr. Song would be so disappointed in me. I have been ordered to EAT RICE: the perfect, hypoallergenic food. =/   Booooring.

Honestly, I’m not stupid. My allergies to these foods have rarely placed me in any sort of discomfort so I always presumed that my allergies were mild. But, in the course of life, things change. I think my wheat allergy has finally hit the mark and my body is no longer willing to be lenient with me consuming it regularly….(((farewellllll my darling french toast)))  :*(

Tomorrow’s a new day. Hopefully my rash will go away and hopefully I’ve learned my lesson on tapping into my STRENGTH and honoring the CHOICES that are MINE to make each day. It’s been a difficult and uncomfortable lesson for me to learn this time around (I don’t have my mom to whine to–which usually subsides any mental anguish I have about something) and I’m hoping that I leave this memory fresh and soaking in lemon juice for a while.

Bottom line: I must say “NO” whenever the  *&@^#(&(!*@&!  I want to say “NO!!!!!!!”

“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.” —Tony Blair


July 12, 2010. Tags: , , , , . Health, Uncategorized.

One Comment

  1. Sher replied:

    Get your power back girlie!!!!

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