Gossip, Gossip…Evil Thing…

I wrote another blog about the situation I’m talking about right now. A blog I like much more and feel much more REAL about posting…but alas, I’m not sure WHO reads my blog and WHO’S going to read this blog and so I must be DIPLOMATIC about WHAT I say and HOW I say it. My other, much more REAL blog might piss a whole lotta people way the F* off…  And since I’m such a sweet angel, I wouldn’t DAAARE do that.  But I also won’t be able to sleep tonight with the tightness in my chest and the thoughts swarming around in my head right now unless I DO post SOMETHING.  (((breathe, CT….breeeaathe)))

So it’s been brought to my attention that my darling, Korean coworkers have taken to gossiping about me. {{{Whoaaaa, bloody shocker. I know. I know}}}  And well, the leak–my informant–who I like to refer to as “Rah-Rah-Rat” or just “Rah-Rah” or plain ol’ “RAT” works, too…has been telling me more and more and more cruel things that some of the other girls say regarding *me*.  I love my little darlings I work with. Eight sweet, kind, dear female souls who are looking out for me and are there to help me and—Whoops, wait!::::: Whooooaaaaa, I went into a trance-like state for a minute there and started entering the 5th dimension. Wow, trippy.  ~~~Oooh, the co-lors, the co-lors~~~

So Rah-Rah must have some sort of sick, twisted personality where she gets her kicks from telling others (because honestly, am I to believe I’m the only one she plays a blabbermouth to?) mean, hateful “she said/she said” bullshit…orrrrr she could be truly evil and just want to bring me down. After all, I am NORMALLY a light-hearted, all-is-good, que cera cera kind of gal…

And I should note: From what I have gathered…if Rah-Rah isn’t shitting me, I’d say that I DO have 2 nice, kind coworkers. Gee, the odds sure as heck aren’t in my favor, are they?   😦

I don’t care what her reasons are. I’ve told her during the past two instances that I don’t want to hear any of the “STUFF” she wants to “share” with me. She told me today that another teacher said  I’m chubby and I need to eat less and stop eating fried foods. ((MY attack face is now ON))   First of all, the gossip hens simply talk crap about each other’s “ugly dresses,” “cheap-looking bags,” or “bad shoes.” But with me it’s my weight??  That’s a personal ATTACK that is ME, MY BODY:::: ME. So, let’s clarify: that vampire-demon is out for blood with me.

Heh Heh. Oh no. She doesn’t wanna go for my blood. I will and can turn into the High Priestess of the DARKNESS. ((?)) Don’t ask where that came from…???   😉     I channelled it. 😛    If Rah-Rah is reporting the truth then the sad, hateful one(s)  will see another side of CT.  After 18 years of drilling it into me, my daddy finally did raise himself a fighter.  Buuut, I must remember: I’m in Korea. This is going on in my workplace. I must be DELICATE about the situation. 😉

So, on this late Monday night when I am steaming and fuming in my apartment with my fire extinguisher right by my side, I would like to remind myself::::: “They’re Korean, sweetie. Chill out and don’t take it personally. For goodness’ sake…it’s their nature and they can’t help it.”  “OK, sweetie? Now…run off and  get some chocolate and relax.”     😉

Seriously, imma hafta start repeating this mantra on the hour if I’m going to have an ounce of self-esteem left by the end of the year. =/     Hey, whatever it takes…

So many good quotes are apropos for this blog. So, here goes:

“Instead of thinking about what you’re missing, try thinking about what you have that everyone else is missing.” –Unk  ****Hmph! That should be easy when thinking about my coworkers. Ummmm, I have a KIND HEART and a sense of humor and AN OPEN MIND. Shoooooot. Get a clue, losers (err..I mean…small-minded ones).     =/

“Gossip: Something that goes in one ear, out the other, and over the back fence” –Unk

July 19, 2010. Tags: , , , , , , . Korea 2010, Uncategorized. 5 comments.

ALLELUIA!! A DIAGNOSIS!

All right. I’m a rockstar. I am DA BOMB. 😉  Oh yahhhh. Well, I’m feeling really happy now. 😛

So, I developed a red, splotchy rash under my chest on Sunday night. And it freaked me out and I kept wondering, “What the heck is it from???”  “What the heck is it from?!?!?”  And I thought it was the result of a cream pasta I ate for dinner since I tested positive for a wheat allergy in 2008. And I thought, “NOOOOO!  It’s finally catching up with me! My body is rejecting the wheat and now I’m itchy and have a rash!”  😦

And then I woke-up on Monday to see the red patches had spread to my torso and abdomen and thighs. Whoooooppppeeee!

Oh Lord. I was at a major loss. I was confused…didn’t know what was happening to my body. And that’s always a scary thing, right? And if there’s ONE thing I can’t stand it’s having a random rash on my body somewhere that has no cause. =/

(Flashback: Korea November 2006)  <—a whole, OTHER blog’s worth of blabbing…

Fast forward 3 days later=Wednesday. I went to –2– doctors today. The second doc I went to told me I either have CONTACT DERMATITIS or MILIARIA –except for the fact that when I asked him to write them out in English for me he spelled the 2nd one “M-I-L-A-R-I-A—>so I thought, “What the hell is Milaria?? Does he mean MALARIA?!?!?!” “I HAVE MALARIA??!”  …(((scratching head…didn’t know there was a rash involved with that. ???))) At that point, I would have swallowed any wrong diagnosis he wanted to feed me. I wanted an answer, damn it!

It was my FRIEND today who suggested HEAT RASH to me…and after I rejected her idea I thought~~~”Eh…I’ll look into it.” So, when I got back from dinnner I sure enough Googled “heat rash” and wouldn’tcha  know?!?!?!?  MILIARIA ***is***  HEAT RASH!  They are one in the same. C’mon doc, tell me in plain English, please.  I looked at the pics of Heat Rash on people and the symptoms, etc and I diagnosed myself. Well, I guess the 2nd doc called it but I still believe that I confirmed the diagnosis thanks to my friend. 🙂

YAY. Now I know it’s not an allergy rash or bed mites (ew) or Lord knows what…

Buuut, I am miffed that the lame site I used to confirm my situation (MedicineNet.com)  says that other than infants and old people–OBESE people are at greatest risk for getting heat rash. *hmph!*  Seriously? I don’t need to be reading this shit right now. I’ve gotten so far off the bikini-bod track.  Buuut, I’m going to pin  my case of heat rash on another potential cause: DEHYDRATION. Yeppers. I know I haven’t been downing enough H2O lately…especially this past Saturday (the day before my outbreak) I drank a Starbuckies Frappuccino (add shot with beans–hell yah!) and only –1– bottle of H20 ALLLLLL day from 1pm to 7pm and was running all around Seoul–literally. Eegads! No bueno, CT!!! No beuno.

So, folks…moral of this story is:::: HEY! Just ’cause ya ain’t never got a case o’ the heat rashes–dunt mean ya’s ain’t never gon’ get one!!!  heh heh

So, yes. Please stay aware, alert and safe this humid and hot summer season. This is my first case of heat rash and well…wow. It hasn’t relented these past days and today it’s just as bad as it was on Monday. 😦

This is a pic from yesterday and oooohhh, here’s one from today. 😦

TMI?? Golly, I hope not. I’m trying to educate!! 😛 Anyway, if you get a rash like this–then maybe you’ve got yourself a heat rash!

FYI: There is a super-duper English-speaking dermatologist in the Coffee Bean building on the 4th floor next to the bust stop across from the Dongtan Community Center.  His staff doesn’t speak English. But, he’s very fluent–other than the Malaria confusion. 😉 Wouldn’t you know between my appointment time and now, I’ve lost his contact info? Yup. Oh, I am so far from being organized this year. =/  He reportedly taught at a Korean university  and studied in the U.S. for a while. 🙂  Stay rash-free!!!

“Drugs are not always necessary.  Belief in recovery always is.”  ~Norman Cousins

July 14, 2010. Tags: , , , , . Health, Uncategorized. 2 comments.

Saying “NO.”

The mood I’ve been in for the past couple of days is prompting this blog. 😀  Sooo, forgive me readers if you’re wanting an exciting, light and  fluffy blog. I’m just not feeling it  right now.

I feel as though I’m not myself today. “Hmm. Strange comment to make,” you think. Well, it would be a strange comment for me to make if I were someone else and not CT. But, I’m CT and I make comments like that several times a week.  Well…some weeks,  not all weeks. Today happens to be the tail end of  “one of those weeks.”

Anyway, I’m sitting here typing this out, scratching my body like mad crazy  since I’ve eaten something that has caused me to break out in itchy hives. Oh joy. Brings back memories of my first year in Korea when I’d eaten Lord knows what and nearly went into severe anaphylactic shock…only to call all 36 contacts I had in my phone at the time (including my boss) with no one answering and then running across a street to jump into a cab with my Lonely Plant phrase book…arriving at the hospital and being whisked into the main ER treatment room to a cot that had a privacy curtain around it, and two nurses running toward me with syringes and motioning me to pull my pants down so they could give me a shot in the bum. Ahhhh, good times.  Thankfully whatever the heck has caused my hives and smaller, red, bumpy rash on my torso isn’t too major and I can stay out of the hospital tonight.

The reason why I think sharing that info  is relevant to THIS  blog  is because lately  I’ve been drawn to eating a whole bunch of random crap that I haven’t touched in a loooong time. Comfort foods I might call them. And I feel that the reason I’ve been maxing out on my comfort foods for the past few days is because  I gave away my power recently. I realized that I was in a situation where I wanted to say “NO” but instead, I didn’t say anything at all.  😦    I froze into a statue (caught waaayyy off guard) and let others make a decision for me.

Even though I’ve lived and I’ve learned and I’ve made heaps of mistakes, I seem to still get caught re-enacting my favorite deleted scenes from the  past. Gee, I wonder why? I need to re-categorize all of those “deleted” scenes and put them into my movie so that I don’t flippin’ forget about them until I’m met once again by the same circumstances. Ahhhhh. My life is like walking on a tightrope: I never know when I’m gonna fall until I’m screaming in mid-air. See, for some reason I’m not aware of the moment I’ve lost my balance until after I’ve hit the safety net and am bouncing up and down. OK. I’ll nix the circus analogy. What I’m trying to convey in a ridiculous, roundabout way is that I am rarely aware that I’m in emotional/psychological danger until the proverbial shit has hit the proverbial fan. And now: a plate of cream pasta and a can of Pringles later…I realize:::!!!  I’m trying to console myself over feeling powerless and forced into something I didn’t want to do in the first place. =/   Afterall, it’s *my* damn choice to eat that stuff…right?      :S       eeerrrrr….sure.

So, since I gave away my power and didn’t say “NO” I feel I’ve been drawn to all of my comfort foods to well….uhhh…comfort myself. wha ha haaaaa. I’m such a psychotherapist , aren’t I? Or maybe I’m simply a psycho?  😉

I have food allergies. I was diagnosed back in 2008. $380 worth of tests and I have continued to ignore my doctor’s instructions on how to lead an allergy-free life.  I fail to acknowledge them so long as they don’t put me in anaphylactic shock or give me hives and itchy rashes. Well, I’ve got hives and one heck of an itchy rash going on right now. =/  Soooo, I *guess* I must look into all of the crap I’ve been ingesting for the past few days.  I think the culprit is either the spaghetti I ate for dinner last night (*der, I am allergic to wheat) or the peanut butter I’ve been globbing on pieces of bread (*ooh! double whammy!  peanuts and wheat) . Either way, Dr. Song would be so disappointed in me. I have been ordered to EAT RICE: the perfect, hypoallergenic food. =/   Booooring.

Honestly, I’m not stupid. My allergies to these foods have rarely placed me in any sort of discomfort so I always presumed that my allergies were mild. But, in the course of life, things change. I think my wheat allergy has finally hit the mark and my body is no longer willing to be lenient with me consuming it regularly….(((farewellllll my darling french toast)))  :*(

Tomorrow’s a new day. Hopefully my rash will go away and hopefully I’ve learned my lesson on tapping into my STRENGTH and honoring the CHOICES that are MINE to make each day. It’s been a difficult and uncomfortable lesson for me to learn this time around (I don’t have my mom to whine to–which usually subsides any mental anguish I have about something) and I’m hoping that I leave this memory fresh and soaking in lemon juice for a while.

Bottom line: I must say “NO” whenever the  *&@^#(&(!*@&!  I want to say “NO!!!!!!!”

“The art of leadership is saying no, not saying yes. It is very easy to say yes.” —Tony Blair

July 12, 2010. Tags: , , , , . Health, Uncategorized. 1 comment.

No Expectations :=)

At my meditation follow-up on Saturday, the  group leader started talking about 5 additional things that a person should be aware of while practicing meditation and living life.

Honestly, I can’t exactly remember all of them (wha ha ha haaa) but I do remember ONE for sure:

Have no Expectations. Expectations kill our happiness. Duh. I know this already. But, a friendly reminder is always helpful, I *suppose.*  When I  think back to a time something I  ended up doing turned out to be a “shitty” experience, I ask myself, “Why did it become a shitty experience?”  Because *I*  had  EXPECTATIONS of certain things to  happen.

Yes, there are several definitions of the word, EXPECTATION. But for my purposes in this blog, I’m referring to EXPECTATION as “the degree of probability that something will occur” and focusing on that envisioned something…and then…when…it doesn’t happen…I feel lousy.

“Shitty” is relative. What’s a shitty experience to me may be fantastically, amazingly, wildly, brilliant to another person.  That’s why I am becoming more aware of expectations that I have about  people,  events that I attend,  places I visit, MOVIES I watch (ugh* Eclipse) etc.  It’s much easier said than done by me to go into a situation in a neutral space. Therefore, I have been reminding myself to not expect anything to happen…or: expect bad things to happen. 😀  Noooo. That’s terrible!

People often say, “Expect the worst…and be pleasantly surprised.” Yes. This makes sense. 100%.

Now the next step: Actually coming into a place where I am truly free from expectations. I am not sure if I am capable of going to a place like that now in my existence. So, I think I will try the advice above:  expect the worst and be pleasantly surprised.

“Life is so constructed, that the event does not, cannot, will not, match the expectation”– Charlotte Bronte

“I do my thing and you do yours. I am not in this world to live up to your expectations, and you are not in this world to live up to mine. You are you and I am I, and if by chance we find each other, then it is beautiful. If not, it can’t be helped.”–Gestalt Prayer

July 9, 2010. Tags: , . Uncategorized. 3 comments.

What About Me?

Ego. I love my ego. My ego keeps me safe. My ego enables me to know that I’m me and not you. 😀

Buuut, alas…my ego *sometimes* plays dirty, mean tricks on me. I’ve done enough inner work where I can usually catch myself when my ego takes control of the CT Show. 😀 (That’d be my show)

“What about MEEEEE?”  How many times have I said that in my  life? Well, I know I must have said it a billion times by the time I was 12 years old.  But, as I’ve aged and matured…I say it a lot less. 😀  Progress, not perfection!  😀

But I had a moment a few nights ago when I was with with a friend and an older Korean woman came up to us on the street and literally stopped dead in her tracks, stared at us for a few seconds and then set her gaze upon my friend as though she were the full moon basking in a dark sky…ahhhhh….what a lovely image, right?

Well, the way this lady was looking at her was as if she were looking at a golden, glimmery angel….flittering in the sky. Ahhhhh. Angel….Ahhhhh. And my friend and I were standing at a stop light waiting for our signal to cross the street to be OK’d. Anyway, I was watching this woman watch my friend when all of a sudden the woman came out of her,   “Oooh, ahhh, ohhhhh, poppin’ fresh dough” phase and said, (((in Korean, mind you))) “Beautiful. “Beautiful!!”    😀     And I looked at my friend who had a confused look on her face and I shook my friend’s shoulders and said, “You’re so pretty, baby!  “You’re so pretty!!!” And my friend smiled in a “Oh, thank God it’s a compliment” way,  but then I looked at the old Korean woman and wondered, “But…but, what about meeeeeee????”

Hahahahahaahah

Uh-huh!  “What about me??”

I had a “WHAT ABOUT ME?” moment only 15 hours after my meditation meeting when my  group leader had brought up that very thought. How many times in our lives do we ask, “Well, uh, what about *me*???”

And then this oh-so-famous quote:

“Ego has a voracious appetite, the more you feed it, the hungrier it gets.”— Nathaniel Bronner Jr.

July 1, 2010. Tags: , , . Korea 2010, Uncategorized. 2 comments.